GET A LODE OF THIS…
*Reporter Kwite Ferrous: Yes, this is Kwite, on site of the disaster at the Lodestone Mine. It seems the foreman made a crucial mistake. He allowed a dozen men to enter the mine, with, get this, steel toed boots! Now it seems there is no possible way out!
*Anchor Manny Filings: Kwite, this story between us two is a magnetic match made in Heaven. Ferrite, do I get this right? How in the world, in the inner earth, was this allowed to happen?
*Ferrous: Well, Sweet Shavings, (love our wordplay), they believe the foreman was actually a managerial plant to sabotage the union’s plan to organize the United Magnetite Members. Onomatopoetically hummed in the halls as UMMmmmm, imitating that magnetic resonance.
*Filings: Kwite, what is the condition of the miners, what is their state, any contact with them?
*Ferrous: Yes, thank goodness there is. Though their lower bodies, specifically those feet, are in a state of stasis, the men do have the ability to communicate until their cells expire. The problem is, even if a rescue can be attempted, how will they be freed?
*Filings: Maybe it’s me, but it would seem daft easy simple to bring them out wouldn’t it?
*Ferrous: No, for the land borne it would seem so. But these men are subject to immense forces, the earth itself after all is a giant revolving magnet. We two know firsthand how that is, the deeper you go, the greater that pull. I’d like to describe the situation they’re in. The men are literally toe to toe, but in a lateral fashion. Each one’s dominant foot is forwardly conjoined to his partners with their rear foot forcefully and painfully extended behind them. Picture somewhat a dozen surfers side-by-side on an immense surf board.
*Filings: Any strategy to get these heroes out?
*Ferrous: Irononically the boys missing their gals has given them the inspiration to attempt their freeing.
*Filings: How so?
*Ferrous: Well, we know that opposites attract, however, the Law of Magnetism also dictates that identical poles repel. We have 12 proofs of which pole has our lads in custody. We have likewise those dozen brave volunteers who shall charge in for all they are worth with huge magnetized shields out front in an attempt to flush out and repel our men to the surface-a Repellent Rescue. Again, visualize European riot police with those shins to chins and you get the idea. Manny, they have just raced in! We shall shortly learn the fate of in fact now 24 souls! Manny, the 12 “Surfer Boys” have emerged! Dazed, dazzled and all aclutter, having attracted every metal lunch pail of their cohorts who stood and prayed a vigil outside the entrance.
*Filings: Fantastic! But what of those volunteers, where are they?
*Ferrous: Those benevolent individuals were not as they seem. They were in reality 12 managers who pulled straws to go in knowing they would never reemerge. They are now singularly clustered as one, back-to-back with those energized shields on the outside fencing them in. Somewhat like the Roman “Turtle” maneuver. We reap what we sow. And now they shall exist as a diorama, a perpetual scholastic learning museum. Safely ceramic-shoed youngsters shall field trip them near daily to experience in action the Wonderful World of Magnetism. Unceasing and innumerable paperclips tossed at them is their fate, along with taunts. Living, breathing, frustrated, remorseful refrigerator doors for an eternity, but to no avail. No conquering this draw, their combined mass is too great! Choose wisely Magneti-San!