TREYSEASONAL..

TREYSEASONAL

witaroundthecorner.com

 

Verne L. Oughtem: Yes, this is in fact your very temperate, not absurd weather man with a revolutionary forecast. Absence of winter! Yes, well not everywhere. {Then off camera…}

Cal Cirrus:  Verne, just what do you mean by “absence of winter?

Verne:  Well, I can explain, however, what a great weather name. Is it legit?

Cal:  It surely is, but it’s actually my middle name, Dad gave me the name as mother was thin and wispy which attracted him. He was her Cumulus to his Cirrus-a cloud stud.  I would also like to say it’s helped me in other ways too-like on the climate comedy circuit. Cirrusly folks, I would play all the Forecasters Conventions. Again, Verne, what in this stratosphere is meant by winter’s absence, departure?

Verne:  Well, my dear contrail, much to explain here, must go to the beginning. As I was seasonally adjusting, growing up, most boys my age worked on chemistry sets, HO tracks, model cars etc. I, however, made the garage my domain and began what one would now call “weather engineering”.

Cal:  What! Explain this to me please.

Verne:  Well, in truth, the intricacies of engineering came later. At first, I was just the conductor. Conducting experiments of merging cold and warm fronts to create microweather, right in bay 1. I remember the day I dropped a mini cloudburst right over the calico, complete with heat lighting that August night.  Yes, he was truly a cat-o-nine strikes. But listen here, seminimbus, there’s something in a name. Never name your cat “Thunderclap”.  And, Thank God for spring showers.

Cal:  What was the scientific basis and inspiration for the “Today at 5” announcement?

Verne:  As Thomas “Alvis” Edison stated, any decent invention is first preceded by an inspiration, even if it’s only 1%-it’s the spark. So, my spark is the region where I’m from, New England. And Fall is the inspiration. I wanted somehow to extend my favorite season, and, eliminate the trepidation it engenders-winter. Now, I know that frosty segment has its fans, but, hey, if I want it, I’ll crack open my freezer. I just believe I shouldn’t be as cold as the cube tray. Additionally, I love those older ballads by those classy singers. Nat Cole sang of that season, but in the city, we hummed it as “Autumn Weeds” ♫. There’s also a profound discovery I happened upon, there’s envy even in the abstract world. While winter feels like the stepchild, believe it or not spring, and, even summer, harbor fall jealousy. Look at it in terms of a “relationship” of sorts. Winter’s is of a cold and callous one. Spring is one of being on the rebound, the spring fling-not lasting. And, summer, though it has some real possibilities, one tires of the daily ardor, it’s all really about activities, being busy. Show me the love. One soon flames out, wears out and pines for that perfect temp in a woolen and flanneled world. I couldn’t however create a locale with a single season; there had to be some trade offs to relegate winter to its abyss. Whew, you asked!

Cal:  Okay “how” was this accomplished and what to do with it?

Verne:  My homespun technology is secret and always shall be. But I can hint on how I happened upon it, just like another New Englander, Charles Goodyear. Creating artificial jet streams was relatively easy. But, the jet streams don’t really form the seasons, they just influence them. It’s actually the tilt of the earth that produces the seasons. The earth is precisely set off-center at 22.5 degrees, the size of Shaq’s shoes, but, way beyond his large mass.  This angle determines the varying amount of sunshine the earth’s surface gets, resulting in those “seasons”.

Cal:  So, how in this world does one “tilt” our home, or, rather, keep it from angling giving us those 4?

Verne:  Cal E Co O’Mine, this is where my well-meant, well-kept secret comes into play. I cannot divulge my scientific know how, but I will mention the idea behind it. No one will be able to replicate what I’ve done without my research anyway; it’s all behind this blank wall, my forehead. May I quote in part from the Book of Enoch? “When the sun rises in the heaven, he comes forth…” The sun is called a “He”, isn’t that interesting? So, then, we may deduce that it (the shiny one), has a relationship of sorts with the earth. Simply, I have developed, created, “cantilevered” communities. When they do their thing and defy the list, they “should” be at, the sun continues focusing its energy upon that very spot of earth when it should be withdrawing it. Winter is resisted, at least there.

Cal:  This is a far, far, cry, meow, from a damp and steaming kitty. Are you saying you en masse, counter-angle these artificial cities, thus causing the geography to mislead the heavens?

Verne:  Precisely!  Once the idea came to me the real challenge was that engineering one. How to uniformly move all those structures and fool our celestial center. I also had a boardroom meeting with the Big 3, Spring, Summer, and, Fall. They all “live” at particular exposures to the sun. In order to wrest winter away they three agreed to split up the 90 odd days between themselves. They were also told that though their own season might seem to go on endlessly, when it was up, they had to cede their seasonal right to the following one. This misconception was easy to apprehend as their start and ending points have been eternal, until now.

Cal:  Now, Verne L., I know there’s a note of sentimentality here, but let’s be honest. Isn’t money somehow involved here as well? Doesn’t this have to be commercially viable too?

Verne:  You’ve got me there. I have thus far developed 3 “Canted Communities”.  Leanin’ Pines, Crooked Timbers and Slanthattan (for city types). These 3 seasonal paradises are already prizes on game shows, being gobbled up by “cool blooded” retirees, and, the ideal choices of the prison industry. Those who’ve “erred” love their yard time and don’t even care to reassimilate if they don’t have to. Nice weather creates peaceful citizens. Ironically, we now have persons from northern climes committing victimless crimes in order to get in on the “inside”. In the words of the Big 3, it’s a Win, Win, Win. Incidentally, I have to limit the number of my cities and cannot divulge my scientific know-how. To do so would create endless competition and turn the world into climactic chaos. Autumn finishes the year which is how I and others like it.  I’ve also of course founded my own calendar industry-by necessity of course. Can I put you down for a few weeks sweatered by the hearth in the Timbers?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *